Well, Today was my last Physical Therapy for now. It takes a lot to keep going once PT is over. For those of you who struggle with physical issues I want to urge you to keep going! It takes a physical and emotional toll on you. It is when you don;t see instant results that things get hardest. Just set your mind and keep going! I have found that it helps to have people checking in with you to make sure you are doing well. Don’t let yourself stop working towards your goals! make a list of small things you want to do and check off those you work up to then look at the ones you have done and remind yourself of how far you have made it! Goals are wonderful things to have! I pray that God blesses you and gives you peace as you push through towards your goals!
My Voice for Her Life
My mouth shall speak the praise of the Lord: and let all flesh bless his holy name for ever and ever. Psalm 145:21
It is that moment every woman lives in fear of. The one you feel in slow motion as you are told the fateful words medical emergency. You find yourself being whisked passed a crowed of ill people who can wait to a room reserved for you because this time you can’t wait. Lying helpless on a bed in a hospital ER you realize just how short life really is. This is not a random story I am telling, but the story of my first pregnancy. As it has been said before, this is the ugly truth; my truth.
Who the people are around me name for name is really not important, but the person inside of me is very important. For this is my voice for her life. She is my daughter and my blessing from God. Today she is 12 years old and I am her Mother.
It was July 14th 1999 and I was four months pregnant. Having lost suddenly the use of my legs and developed spasms it was determined that I should undergo a non-dye MRI. Having seen my films the tech rushed out handed them to me and told my husband to drive me straight to the local ER the doctors were waiting to admit me. I will never forget this day it was my birthday and the first time I had ever come face to face with the abortion mentality.
If you would have told me the year before as I wrote a paper arguing against abortion that a day would come that I would have to argue face to face with a doctor for the life of my child I would not have believed you. Standing in front of my senior class reading my hot topic paper just a year before I was so naive to what this topic meant to me and any child I should bare.
There in that hospital room faced with a life threatening illness I discovered the ugly side of medicine. As the doctor painted a clear picture of the only option he had in mind for my health care I found myself repulsed and angered as well as terrified. I said to the doctor I will not have an abortion several times. His view was that I was not excepting of the medical situation. So he turned to my husband trying to get consent to abort our child and do the needed spinal surgery to remove the tumor that was killing me. He simply refused to give me another option right away.
After a long verbal battle he finally gave me option number two. He felt then I should allow surgery to be done while I was pregnant and they would simply give my child no regard. If the baby lived so be it if not so be it. I couldn’t live with that. I knew in my heart they would let her die. It was not an option any more worthy of choice than the one before. Having voiced my objection and made very clear that under no circumstance would I allow my child’s life to be treated as less than equal to my own the doctor then turned once more to my husband. He made it clear that if I would not willingly do as he wished he could then find me mentally incompetent and my husband could pick from one of the above for me. I continued to put up a fight and verbally protest. I quoted scripture and made a passionate argument for what felt like an eternity. Then by the grace of God two doctors stepped forward joining my side. They simply couldn’t allow me to be over ruled after hearing how well I made my arguments. I got option number three: early delivery and a fight for my child’s life and then surgery for me to fight for my life. I could live with this option it gave us both a fighting chance. It respected God’s love for us both! Why this option was the last one and in the medical professional’s view, the least favorable, I will never understand.
It is twelve years later and my Daughter is happy and healthy. Choice number three is the best one I have ever made. Not a day goes by that I don’t believe that God has kept us both because of my choice to honor his word and will. I chose life for my child, I understood that I could die doing so, but I also understand now as I did then that God never promised me an easy life with no challenges he only promised to be with me threw out this life I live regardless of how long or short it might be.
I write this to let all women know that when you are pregnant you are your child’s first voice. What you speak will either bring life or death to them. Please speak life! It is wrong to view their lives as less than our own. Just because they are not born yet does not give us the right to hand out a death sentence upon them. No one will love, protect, and care for your child as you will. You must be fully ready no matter what should happen to do what gives your child a chance to live too. If you could close your eyes and for one moment tap into the feelings of what an unborn child must feel would you not fight harder for them. They are real living people. This is someone we are talking about not a something; a person whom you are sheltering inside your womb. Nurturing and for whom you are called to give voice for. You are your child’s first voice please speak up for their rights!
I was taught in civics class that my rights end where another’s rights began. Just because a child is in its mother’s womb does not give us the right to strip it of its rights. Does this fragile life not demand us all to speak up for it? To defend the rights the unborn child has if for no other reason simply because the child has rights! This is not about the mother’s rights, it is truly about the rights of her child and where they began the mother’s end. Please consider the consequences of stripping the rights from the weakest most vulnerable of us, the unborn child; does this not pave the way to strip away from the strongest of us our basic rights as well?
Consider what that one doctor would have cost me that day. Yes I might have lived through the surgery but I would have lost my right to be the mother of a wonderful 12 year old who is a wondrous blessing to my life. She is someone not only worth knowing, but also worth dying for. She is my daughter who laughs cries, plays, and woodworks, loves taking pictures and has won many awards. Has captured my heart gave me joy and challenges me every day to be a better me. I would have lost a life full of richness that only being a mother can bring! All those years ago I couldn’t imagine how blessed I would be as a mother. I used my voice to speak life for my child with a hopeful heart. Today I can say that yes even if I would have died it would have been worth it, she was and is worth dying for. Nothing in life is without risk and becoming a parent is a great risk, but one that is worth taking. Do not let yourself be deprived of the chance to be a parent. Don’t let fear rule your life and strip you and your child of your voice!
If you are pregnant and struggling to decide if an abortion is something you should do, take one moment right now. Close your eyes and put your hand on your stomach. Visualize the child who is in your womb and ask yourself who is this child you carry? What life will they have? Will they laugh and cry and play like you once did? Will they change the world some day? Where will they go to school and where will they work? Who will they be… will they be your son or daughter…your best gift to God and this world? Pretend for one moment you can look them in the eyes… ask yourself this one question: Can I really pass a death sentence on someone I have not met yet? Know this, life is not meant to be easy and children are never convenient. God does not hand out perfection on this earth. We live this life to grow in our understanding of our own desperate need of God’s love. Jesus died for all of us, but not all of us will accept him. Should your child die for you as well? Who does the abortion do the most for? Will it really fix your broken life and give you a second chance? Imagine your dead lifeless child and the days after he or she is gone from you. Do you really think you will feel any different then? Will it make your pain go away? Think of having your child smile up at you and the great love you have to give to this child. Think of the days you could spend full of the joy a child can bring into your life. No it will not be easy and you will struggle, but in the end you will be blessed.
How will you be blessed? You will have a child smile up at you, need you, and fill your life with someone to love. You will watch as they grow up and find that there was always a place in this world for them. Most of all you will have had the chance to speak for another’s life, being empowered to be more than just your own voice. You are the voice of the next generation. The voice of life!
Update so polite.
Listen I get it. You need to update your program and that required a restart.
In a world of windows that I can change and personalize so much I just wonder why those silly updating messages can’t be changed. I mean you let me change colors, fonts, backgrounds and even gave me a personal assistant I don’t even like. So why not let me change the messages?
We are updating your system. This might take a while. Don’t turn off your computer.
(Listen you pudgy donut eating freak of a writer we got your system by the Intell processor and you best not turn the power off!)
Please wait as we install new software.
(I told you hang on you freak the software ain’t done! ) (I can only load so fast!)
Your computer will now restart several times.
(You ain’t my Daddy, Bill Gates, and I don’t have to stop flickering the screen!)
If you have enjoyed this little bit of fun then my job here is finished. Now let’s see what is new with windows 10.
Yes, that is the inside of my over stuffed closet. We have it filled up with so many things that sometimes I’m afraid it might bust!
We just can’t seem to let go of anything we have stuffed inside! Three of us ladies fighting for space in the closet of doom. Stuff falling as we dig to find what we need.
Clothing, books, crafting supplies and more fill up the space. We have it stacked, hanged, and tossed in there. Every inch is like a dragon’s hoard. Filled up with stuff we love, think we love, and can’t seem to let go of.
A heart of clutter.
Just like the closet of doom our hearts can also become cluttered! We forget to make room for those who are in our lives right now. It doesn’t mean we toss out the old loves, just reorganize them.
You can’t focus on the people in your life right now while clinging to those who are gone. Sometimes we have to box up those left over emotions and store them away to be able to fill our space with new loves.
It is OK to miss those you have lost. It is not OK to be wrapped up in the missing. Letting memories hold your heart hostage causes you to stop living.
Praying you can make room in your heart for those new people in your life. Loving isn’t easy, so I pray God softens your heart for you.
Sometimes we wonder what’s wrong with us.
I saw a question this week that made me pause. Someone asked if we should feel ashamed for being emotional? Should we be hard on ourselves for being a mess? In my opinion no.
Sometimes people make us feel like we should be sorry for being emotional or struggling with depression and anxiety. We really shouldn’t feel bad about it. Everyone has moments of weakness!
We sometimes forget that we are all beautiful messes! There is no such thing as a perfect person. (Aside from Jesus Christ ). Each one of us have struggles. That person telling you to stop being a mess is a mess too! Just because they seem to be more together than you doesn’t make that true!
We tend to be hard on others and most times we can’t even tell them what we are feeling. We get tired, hungry, sick and weak. We shut down and babble as well as crash and burn at this thing called life. Stress does kill we know.
Looking at me…
It is hard when you are disabled to live with the things you can’t do. I am forced to admit on a daily basis I need more help than I want!
My Disability is physical but it takes its toll on me mentally too. Those things I can’t do make me feel worthless sometimes! That list of restrictions seems to rule me at times.
No matter if your disability is physical or mental or both we all have that list of weaknesses that we have to deal with daily. There is always a mountain we can’t climb.
We have to find a way to focus on the mountains we can climb instead! This doesn’t mean we won’t fall apart on a daily basis. It just means we are committed to facing the struggle!
Climb the mountain and slide down the other side.
How do we climb those mountains? I’m clueless. For me it is by the grace of God. What does that look like? Me being a mess and stumbling through life day by day finding I’ve gotten somewhere I didn’t know I could find.
I’m the first to say don’t follow me! I’m always lost, a mess, and either early or late. I think that is true for all of us, but I admit sometimes I think it is just me.
So if you’re feeling like you’re the only one who is a mess, remember I’m a mess too! Sometimes we are so broken we can’t call on each other for help. That’s when we need to call on God. So call me maybe… Call God definitely!
We forget that as humans we are fragile. Sometimes we play on each others emotions and are just cruel to each other.
Making friends is easy but keeping them is harder.
Sometimes our friends hurt us the most. What do you do when that happens?
I was asked how I can forgive and forget so easily. The truth is I can’t! It takes God helping me to let go of hurt. Over the years I have faced tons of rejection and have been treated poorly by people I thought were friends. I think we all have had those moments.
If we are honest with ourselves we can say we all have been on both sides of that street! I known there has been times I have been a horrible friend. Some people have walked out of my life to not return.
You know it is true friendship when you can hurt each other, reject each other, and just be insane together then make up. When you have faced each other and made up you become closer. You carry that secret argument to you’re grave! Every set of best friends have at least one dark moment they share together. It is in the way they light it up and forgive that darkness that forges their true friendship.
The crying game
You never tell them you cried. Maybe they know you had already cried or even seen you but it is not something you speak of. You don’t bring it up. Maybe you feel guilty for it, but still you don’t say anything. You move forward.
Writer state of mind
As a writer I’m already crazy! How do you think I write my stories? What you don’t see is all the bottled up emotions. When you are passionate you can’t help being high strung!
To be able to forge a friendship means you must be forgiving. You can’t hold each other’s personality flaws against each other. Writers and artists sometimes need extra grace. We don’t people well!
At the end of the day to have a friend is to first be one. Show yourself willing to forgive flaws of character and give grace when you see weakness.
Praying you find those souls who you can have that kind of connect with.
~ Deedra Mosley
Inside the mind of a writer
I totally about lost it. My whole mind almost went. I admit that I loved doing a script and voice over for my dear friend Joey Collins, but he didn’t understand the mind of a writer. I almost cracked this time. I stopped eating and couldn’t sleep well. It was a flashback to when I took the job typing up a hand written song book, which I found out had one whole section of funeral songs. It felt like death was right there page by page. I know I was wide eyed and almost crazy then. When you start rapping Baptist funeral songs out loud to your kids… you need to get help! Well, I almost lost it again this past job. Love my friend and his story is great, but I have so many words in my head already. I almost snapped. He knows I am crazy he just didn’t realize how crazy till now.
I Don’t Do Normal
Most people can switch gears and just write what is given. I can’t do that. I have to create and craft and be wordy. I can’t turn off the inner story and transition to what is normal for everyone else. I am always taking in the tone of your voice, the look of your person, the nature of your character and the meaning of your name. I write passionately and insane like. I don’t just see the world I feel it. I can’t help it. It is just how I am wired. It makes me vulnerable to your pain and over compassionate as well as harsh and sometimes I scream go away at you.
What I wish people could understand is that I need to write. Sometimes I need to just be wordy and let out the inner thoughts. You can’t get between me and my focus. I will go crazy! If you can’t let me just word dump or handle me exploding oddities then don’t be my friend. I am always in write mode, even when hit with writers block! It is just a part of me. Even if I am just writing prayers in my prayer journal I find myself writing names with the need on the paper but in my head I am crafting prayers already for them. I see more than I am writing down!
When You Can’t Get Your Brain To Hush
Sometimes you just need to write words and more words. You got thousands of worlds inside your mind and a thousand topics you feel passionate about and you need to let them out! This blog post is the product of me being bottled up during the documentary. I sounded off crazy like to my Best Friend, Samantha Branham, AKA Author Anne Belle, already and I admit I went crazy on poor Joey. Let’s just say he knows me really well now! I just wanted to run off and go crazy writing. I have poems inside my head, five serious topics, four or five books and my Bible study answers in my head along with the dialogue with myself that only God and I can hear! That is a lot of words! I want to write all the things! All them all at once! I am like a cat being baptized in water while high on cat nip! Write it! Write it all!
Sometimes people get confused and think because someone writes they are a writer. If you can write a regular paper or do regular office writing good for you! That is wonderful, but that doesn’t make you a writer, writer. When you are a writer you see the world differently and your thoughts on it look like shapes forming in your mind. You can read something and see it, feel it, and experience it! You are not able to stop the visual story from forming. You also have the need to put the words in that others leave out! You can’t do simple writing. You get crazy if you are told you have to only write what you are told! You have a hunger to express yourself. To take what you are given and make it beyond what it is. To make your reader feel the story! You can’t leave out the words that shape the full picture you see in your mind! You get wordy, pushy, you have a need to ask questions. You want to touch the object you are writing about too.
I remember being on Field Studies with the Piarist High School when I was a teenager and we went into these old mansions to tour. The signs that said do not touch drove me mad! I looked and seen the beautiful things and I felt the need to touch them! That made writing up the nightly report on it so hard! How do you survive when you can’t touch something and have to write about it! I hated those trips! I could write something blah but I had a desire to add more to it, but I couldn’t touch the items I wrote about so there was nothing else to write! Inside my mind there was questions that would never be answered! I hated it! What if I want to write that beautiful chair into my story? I need to know what it feels like and what is on the bottom of it! Yes, that is what writers who are writer, writers do. We can’t not touch nor ask those questions.
Why I Love NaNoWriMo
I am so glad I found NanNoWriMo! I love how you have a goal of 50,000 words to hit and a month to do it in! What I love most is it can be brain vomit words and you can go back later and fix your story. You write words sometimes during it just to be writing words! You just let yourself pour them out! If you are like me and a hardcore writer who needs to be wordy it is for you! You will find that the process of just letting out the story feels great!
There is never a good time to live… or to write! There is also no good time to die. My fear is that my stories will stay with me and die with me. I can’t leave them unwritten! I realized this past week why so many writers are alone in life. It is because we can’t stop being weird. We have to live out our story boards so to speak. Those ideas inside us need to get out to the public. People think we are crazy, strange, fixated, or stupid even. We are just creative and need to create. You can’t force conformity on us and think we will do well. You can’t see the stories, but we can!
So this post is to let out the crazy and to let those who are like me and have a passionate need to just write it all know you are not alone! Jump on this crazy train it is pulling out of the station! Woot! Woot!
If you want to see the documentary I helped with go to YouTube and look up High Voltage Archery Joey Collins 20th Anniversary video. Make sure you like it and share it.
Stay wordy my mental writing buddies! Get your write on!
Matthew 5:9 KJV
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
The Mission Field Called life
We often find ourselves to be tempted to bemoan our mission field. We forget that there are places where bombs go off, and people die. Hard places where sharing the love of God is dangerous. It is in our moments of forgetfulness we tend to push our calling away.
I have seen so many times people being wrote off as too unreachable and too hard to love. There is no such thing with God. That is like saying the water is too deep and too wet to walk on! If we keep our eyes on Christ he will lead us across the water and walking on it won’t be a problem!
We must remember that our hearts need to be soft and we need to be focused on God and his person in order to be effective in our ministry. We can’t say I love God and show no love to those he has placed around us. Jesus never ignored the needs around him. He knew already each heart and was ready to draw out from them the truth of their need.
Our Blind Eyes
You and I have a way of only being able to see what we want. That is a problem when we are asking God to help us! How can God help us when we are blind to our own need? We need to do some self examining and take a good look at where our hurt is coming from. When we understand our own pain then we can help another.
We can’t turn away from someone and push them away then expect God to bless us. Even when it is hard we still have to find a way to show God’s love. Sometimes the best way is submission.
Pruning my heart hurts me god…
We sometimes need to be pruned and have God pull off dead branches of bitterness from us. I love picking on myself because when I use me as an example I am the only one who can be upset over it! So here we go, I am going to tell you a little story of how God grows us and our churches.
I am a Sunday School Teacher and I have a room, a very much in need of some updating room. I have a great plan for it and yes I actually could go to the board today even and show visuals and so on and get approved to move forward with the project. I even have another church willing to send money to help me with it! Why don’t I do it? This is the painful part where I have to share my mission and the big picture God has shown me.
In my church we have both strong and weak children of God. Some of us run to God and cling and some run to what is and has been safe and normal for them to hide. While we all love God, not all of us know how to hide our fears only in him. There is comfort in a building and memories it brings of security.
Godly Blankets for hurting souls
So when I first set out to do what is best for my Sunday School Class (which God has no longer provided by the way) I had no idea he was going to say shift gears. Some of the adults are clinging to what was because they haven’t learned yet to cling to God. They need that same old same old because it helps them feel safe and secure.
I prayed for God to help them see he is what matters. Till they can let go of the familiar safe place they see when we come to church every week and hold to just Jesus my room will have to keep. Broken baseboards and out dated murals pale in comparison to broken hearts and fearful tomorrows. Painting is easy but uplifting souls is much harder.
They need to see me cling to Jesus. They need to hear me speak about hard things and ask prayer. I have to mirror the faith I want to see in them. Painting and cleaning is easy when it is a room you are working on. The changing of hearts is a lot harder. I have a strong desire to grow our children’s ministry, but the children God sends me are not always young! Sometimes I am the babe needing fed and sometimes I am the one called to feed the babe.
Change is hard
Some people need the familiar to feel safe. Changes are not easy for them because they have internal issues that are haunting them. You can’t always see abuse, neglect, pain, fear, and insecurity. Everyone holds inside them a spiritual person. They have a soul we can’t see. In order to understand their soul we need to look at our own first. That is why sometimes you can’t make changes that you are ready for till the others are ready too.
Are there things that I have had to let go of? Yes, I had to let go of childhood memories and some places I felt safe and that had memories of people I love that have died. I know how that felt. I had no control over those changes, but how about what I have control over. Have I let go of something that I feel safe and comfortable with?
I have this blanket I love so much. It is falling to pieces really and getting not so nice looking. It comforts me. I was given it when I came back here to live with my mom. It is safe and I have had it on my bed since I got it. I don’t want to let it go. I am making me a knew blanket right now. When I get it done it will hurt to take the old beloved one off and replace it. I will do it anyway. This helped me understand why the few people who are against the small changes in our church are having such a hard time letting go. It is their blanket of safety. Something that they love that makes them feel worth while and safe.
A thing called compassion
We sometimes listen to what people say but we don’t hear the why behind it. It isn’t till we reflect on the internal of the person that we fully hear them. If we have no compassion for them then we can’t touch their hearts. Compassion calls for us to see them as weak and understand their personal struggles. You have to be able to put your own struggles into perspective before you can help them see theirs.
Are you compassionate? Can you face your struggles and say how can I help someone by being kind and understanding? We are quick to judge others and slow to reach out to them. I am happy to say I am making peace with some of those who can’t let go of the room I really need to fix up. It is a good sign that God will grow our church when you can put the physical aside and work on the spiritual. If it is a safe place that they need to run to then God let me become what they need and replace the walls, decorations, and worldly building! Let them come to me! Being alone with my blanket and comforting myself with it is not enough and neither is their being alone with a building and comforting themselves with memories. We need each other!
So, my prayer for us all is that we let God heal our hearts and use us to heal the hearts of others! May we be peacemakers!
Yours In Christ Jesus,